watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Come on in and take your pants off
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