I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
sarcasm needs its own font
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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