i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
