I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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