When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
