my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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