He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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