Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
