ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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