if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
