Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
