i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
how drunk are you?
Several
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
