the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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