I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize