I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
