Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
