the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Houston, we have a squirter
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize