I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
