then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
