i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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