if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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