She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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