Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I want a musical about memes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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