8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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