Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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