Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
