You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
