he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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