Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
