i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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