My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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