Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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