I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
