As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
