its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What drink are we having for lunch?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
