plz talk dirty to me
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
