I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
