Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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