So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
smell my finger.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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