Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
smell my finger.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
