i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
