I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
