Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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