somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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