If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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