i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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