Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
