Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize