Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
