her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
