I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
