the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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