My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
