don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
