Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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