I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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